mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
