ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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