god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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