she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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