i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
