Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
