hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
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i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
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WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
FUCK WHALES
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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