tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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