Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
