I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
