Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
