she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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