so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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