My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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