First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
