her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
