If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
