Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
