I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
What drink are we having for lunch?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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