God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
