i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i wish my penis had a tongue
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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