she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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