So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
