saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
