Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
