you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
