fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
