my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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