the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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