Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
