I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The air was thick with penises
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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