I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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