True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize