He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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