I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
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just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
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When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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