omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
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Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.