if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
splinters make it hard to masturbate
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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