id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
