Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
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he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
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I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.