I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
