all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
