You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
