I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
