dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
