Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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