the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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