How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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