her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
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i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
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Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
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