I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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