I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
