we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
