remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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