apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
