i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The uberlube is also flammable
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
