he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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